guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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