omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
