Whod you bang
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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