He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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