don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
