I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
