i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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