He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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