I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
