He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
