so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize