dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
