I'm gonna have a badass scar
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
