My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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