Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
