Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
