When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
