Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
