I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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