I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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