Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he was CRYING into my vagina
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
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