there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
