Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
