Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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