separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
