My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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