Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
