he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
