My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
