i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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