i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
These tits shall not be calmed
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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