I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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