im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
