I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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