Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
