We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
4 words: hood of his car
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
