If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
