I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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