JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
where are my eyebrows?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize