turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
