so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
