I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
