I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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