then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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