two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
