I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
