Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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