please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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