I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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