I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
