I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
