she woke up with a sticky ear
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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