I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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