i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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