Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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