Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
