he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
