Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
