Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
