Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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