I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
