My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
