he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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