I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize