Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
