I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
