She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
